SEKURITY REPORT
Blog #50 By Cletus
Hed of Sekurity, Fence Tester, and Part-Time Blog Writter
Howdy.
Furst off, afore anybody starts complainin about the spellin, I’d like to remind everbody that I got hoves.
Not fingers.
Hoves.
Try typin with a pair of them sometime and see how fancy your grammar looks.
Second off, Hamilton ain’t dead.
He jest ain’t moved much since the campout ended.
I reckon he’s still recoverin from all the hard work of layin around bein admired by ninety-one people.
Tough life.
OFFICIAL SEKURITY REPORT
Now that the campout’s over, it’s my duty as Hed of Sekurity to report that standards around here have gone plum downhill.
I been patrolin the farm daily.
Sometimes hourly.
Sometimes every fifteen minutes if I hear somethin suspicious.
Or if I’m bored.
Either way, I got concerns.
VIOLASHUN #1: KITTENS OPERATIN WITHOUT A LICENSE
Them little kittens is runnin a criminal enterprise.
Mark my words.
One minute they’re sleepin in a pile.
Next minute they’re in a tree.
Then somehow they’re on the porch.
Then they’re under a truck.
Ain’t nobody know how they got there.
Ain’t nobody askin questions.
I’m the only one takin this threat serious.
Yesterday I caught one stealin a zip tie.
What was his plan?
Nobody knows.
The humans called him “cute.”
That’s exactly how organized crime starts.
VIOLASHUN #2: HAMILTON ABANDONED HIS POST
I checked on Hamilton this mornin.
Found him face down in straw.
Thought he might’ve expired.
Poked him.
He farted.
So he’s alive.
Current status report:
Eatin
Sleepin
More eatin
More sleepin
Demandin watermelon
Complaining nobody appreciates him
Which is interestin because nobody appreciates me neither and I’m still showin up fer work.
VIOLASHUN #3: DOGS CAUSIN A DISTURBANCE
Now I ain’t sayin the dogs are bad at security.
I’m jest sayin if a leaf blows across the yard, they act like the federal government has invaded.
There ain’t no middle ground.
It’s either nappin or DEFCON ONE.
A squirrel sneezes three counties over and suddenly everybody’s barkin.
I cain’t hear myself think.
VIOLASHUN #4: HORSES ACTIN SHADY
The horses know somethin.
I don’t know what.
But they know it.
Every time I walk by they stop talkin.
Then they all stare at me.
Then they stare at nothin.
Then they stare at me again.
Ain’t natural.
I’ve got a file started.
VIOLASHUN #5: HUMAN PAPERWORK DEFICIENCIES
The humans continue movin stuff around without proper authorization.
New fence.
New projects.
New plans.
New animals.
Nobody runs nothin through Sekurity.
I don’t know why they bother makin plans if they ain’t gonna consult me.
I got opinions.
Strong ones.
EMERGENCY ALERT
I overheard the humans talkin about another party.
This concerns me.
The last one brought ninety-one humans.
That’s a lotta feet.
A lotta coolers.
A lotta opportunities fer somebody to leave a snack unattended.
Actually that last part sounds kinda nice.
Disregard this alert.
FINAL THOUGHTS
The farm remains safe.
Not because the pig is helpin.
Not because the dogs is organized.
Not because the horses is trustworthy.
Certainly not because the kittens obey the law.
The farm is safe because I am out here doin my job.
Every day.
Every night.
Every snack break.
You’re welcome.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta investigate reports of a kitten carryin off somebody’s sock.
Again.
— Cletus 🐐
Hed of Sekurity, Fence Inspector, and Defender of Good Common Sense
P.S. Any spellin mistakes was caused by hoves, government interference, or kittens walkin across the keyboard.
Probably all three.